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EVENTUALLY
(Short Story – Fiction)
Day 1
This is not real. This isn’t happening. This is a bad dream. Break ups are for other mortal couples. We are infallible. Our relationship is spillproof. Kaustav is going to come around eventually. This isn’t real. This is just a bad dream. This is not real. This isn’t happening.
Rishila repeated the same set of sentences in a single breath, rocking herself back and forth, wiping the stream of tears that ran down her cheeks, wetting her dupatta**. Her family watched her, in silence, standing afar. They didn’t come over and hug her or try to pacify her, the way usually families do, because they knew she needed to heal on her own, organically. If Kaustav had truly left then it was going to be a long time before she recovered from this trauma. She needed time and they were going to give her all the time in the world. They were going to be around the corner, patiently waiting for her to gather herself. She had to cry it out, be done and dusted for once and all. A wounded heart healed in its own sweet time.
Day 50
Rishila stood at Kaustav’s house’s doorstep. Nothing much had changed from her last visit. The soot of dust had thickened, leaves in the potted plants had wilted, the door stayed locked, the colossal bronze lock swinging in the invisible wind, underlining the ominous absence of human beings in the household. He hadn’t come back, he wasn’t going to come back, he was gone for good, Rishila’s inner voice was gaining traction, the way it did every single time she thought about him.
Kaustav’s parents’ sudden demise in an unfortunate road accident had hit him like a tornado. It had wiped off his life’s trajectory which he had carved so diligently.
On the day of their shuddhi kriya** he had said “I am sorry. I can’t do this anymore. Please forgive me if you can. I am leaving, I do not know where I am going but all I know is that I am not coming back. Everything here will remind me of them, now that they are gone, I don’t want to be close to anything that reminds me of my parents. I just cannot take it anymore, my heart is bursting with pain.”, with a straight face bereft of emotions.
The words had perforated Rishila. She knew Kaustav was in a state of shock. She also knew that once he made up his mind there was no point debating nor discussing.
“Take your time but remember if you need a reason to come back, I will be right here waiting for you.”, she had replied.
“But what if I am late?” Kaustav turned towards her and she could see his eyes brimming with tears. She didn’t remember him being teary eyed from all the years she had known him.
“It will never be too late. I promise.” Rishila had replied placing her hand on his palm as an assurance. They had held each other and wept for a really long time afterwards.
He had left soon after and hadn’t come back, just yet, but he was going to be back for her, she knew deep in her heart. He had left without a trace, vanished into thin air. It had been 50 days hence, Rishila was willing to wait 50 more and some more; afterall true love was worth the wait.
Day 730 (2 years)
It’s interesting how a passage of time can numb your wounds, leaving behind scars as silent reminders.
Rishila’s world had taken a 360 degree turn on the 380th day since Kaustav had left. Her father, not being able to watch his daughter torment herself, had insisted on pursuing her passion. Consequently, she had left home to search for her true calling.
She had travelled all the way to Himalayan town of Darjeeling to teach the poor and the needy. She worked for a non-profitable NGO* which educated the less privileged. The change of place had done her good. His memories didn’t tear up her eyes anymore, rather they made her smile. His thoughts didn’t keep her awake at night, they turned into dreams of their togetherness. She had embraced the life devoid of him, she was content with the fact that she had his remembrance to hold onto. She knew their memories were enough for her to lead a happily ever after. His happiness and well being was all that her heart desired.
Surprisingly she enjoyed being a teacher, a profession she had never given second thoughts to. Kaustav and she had always planned to set up their personal law firm together once they were done with law school. But life had different plans for her.
She kept her thoughts busy in the mundane but whenever it rained, birds flew in the sky; nature unfurled its colors; she thought of him. They had always dreamt of having their vacation home up on the mountains, amidst the clouds. She had succeeded in having an adobe in the lap of mountains, but alone.
Day 2000 (5 years)
What’s ironic is you eventually learn to live without the one you believed you never could. A little patience is all you need to deal with life’s intricacies.
Rishila had not only learnt to live without Kaustav but she had come in terms with the truth that he wasn’t going to be back. She wanted to keep the promise she had made to him, she wanted to wait. However, her family and certain incidents convinced her that in order to get on with a normal life she needed a company as loneliness was daunting. Besides she felt she was waiting for a non-existent pebble in the pool of time, whose ripples had long been washed ashore. Sometimes you just stop waiting for people even though you don’t stop loving them. If he was going to return, he would have by now.
Day 5475 (15 years)
You think you evade loneliness by getting into a lifetime commitment. Yet, you never realize the outcome of being together with a stranger. You usually end up signing for permanent enduring deep-rooted heartache. Isn’t it funny that you keep telling yourself that you get love in return for sacrifices, adjustments and commitments? But its love that returns love, and love was something she had run out of in her life. Her unfaltering devotion and dedication towards her husband hadn’t resulted in love. It had only amounted to frustration, depression, anger and desolation. Despite her best efforts her husband had seen right through her. He had known that her heart wasn’t here, but it belonged elsewhere. He had tried questioning her time and again but would he understand that she was in love with a shadow; a shadow from her past.
Day 9125 (25 years)
You grow accustomed to someone when you live long enough with them. Rishila had become habituated to her husband’s presence. It was like her cocoon of protection, peace and shelter. He was her soothing touch. Naturally his untimely demise had left her shell shocked. As more and more days passed after his death, she kept questioning her loyalty towards him.
Yes, she had been a good wife, she had disposed all her duties unfailingly but had she ever made him feel loved? He had been a dutybound husband who had not only treated her with respect but also had never let any of her desires go unfulfilled. He had tried to provide everything that money could ever buy for his wife and son. He had been a blessing in her life. He had been a pillar which provided the support she didn’t know she had needed until she had him in her life. Yet he hadn’t been able to replace Kaustav’s memories. That’s where her logic and soul reached a deadlock. You could give a thousand plausible reasons to your mind but your heart, it fluttered with its self-worn wings at its own sweet pace. You couldn’t control its flight. It loved who it chose, you wished you could reason with it, but a heart’s feelings were beyond any reasons and acumen. This steadfast numbing pining in her heart for Kaustav was like an open wound which would never heal. Even though she had never gone out looking for him nor had she tried to locate him, but she hadn’t given up the hope of a chance encounter with him. She had visualized their meeting in her mind many-a-times. A wordless passing by in a supermarket would be enough for her to get on with life. Even a glimpse of him on the subway in the adjacent compartment was good enough. So, despite herself, her eyes had constantly scanned the sea of people looking out for him. She had looked for him in the cheering crowds of baseball fans, soccer stadiums, cricket grounds. Every time she received a wrong number on her phone she had tried to superimpose his voice in the caller’s voice. Thus, when her husband passed away, she had to live with a lifelong regret of not being able to be truly faithful to him.
First love was indeed special but sometimes first love was last. She wondered if her husband’s soul would ever forgive her. She often asked herself why she couldn’t forget someone she had spent a mere five years of her life even after spending two decades with someone else. Was this a denial or a need for closure? Didn’t human mind work in inexplicable ways?
Day 15000(41 years)
“Are you lost? You seem like you need help.” The man took a seat at the other end of the wooden bench. He removed the dried leaves and twigs strewn upon it. He kept his hat beside him while glancing at the lady at the other end. Her wrinkles, her freckles, her old age was engraved on her face. He could tell for a fact that her mind and soul had aged much before her body had, supposedly because of constant deep-seated worry.
She continued peering into the woods which stretched into the distance.
Assuming she hadn’t heard him, he reiterated, a little louder this time, “I have a feeling you are searching for someone or someplace. Can I be of any help?”
She replied, without taking her eyes off the horizon, “Aren’t we all lost and searching for something?”
She smiled a beautiful heartwarming contagious smile which automatically made him smile. He nodded in agreement without feeling compelled to respond.
“Pardon me for sounding philosophical.” She replied after a while turning towards him, “I am infact lost but I know my son will find me, like he always does. I must have walked a long way from home while I was deep in thoughts. All I remember is I started walking in the afternoon and now it’s almost sunset. I hope he isn’t worried for me. You see, I have Alzheimer’s.” She looked at him as she finished her sentence. Rishila’s brows cranked a bit higher when her eyes met his as if a mild realization of something familiar hit her memory cords.
After a moment of self-reflection, she said “Please don’t pity me, it’s a blessing in disguise, the ability to forget, makes your heart lighter, mind freer.”
The man started laughing, “Pity? I don’t pity you at all, rather I envy you. I wish I could forget some things and erase certain memories of my life.”
They sat in silence for a while. He punctuated the brief lull, “Do you live nearby? I could walk you home if you could tell me anything you remember. It’s getting darker, the sun is all ready to set. I need to be somewhere post sunset.”
“All I can recollect is, we live nearby the north gate. If you could just take me there, I could surely recognize our house.”
He nodded his head and got up from his seat. He extended his palm indicating her to take it in hers, she did. Their connection felt natural, unforced, ingrained, legitimate. There was something about this man which fluttered Rishila’s memory cells.
“Pardon me, but have we met before? I can’t seem to remember you yet it feels that I have known you from a very long time ago.”
He stopped walking and turned, his eyes flashing with a layer of fresh tears.
“That is because I was a tad bit late in getting back, 4 decades to be precise. Is it too late to ask for forgiveness for all the suffering that I made you go through?”
Realization hit Rishila like nausea. She was euphoric yet there was something about this meeting that didn’t feel fitting. She didn’t know if this was a reality or a dream. She wondered if she were sleepwalking again. Yet there he stood in flesh and blood, right before her, Kaustav, who she had wished to see all her life. She extended her hand and her fingers brushed his arms, his face, his grey hairline, it was as if time had stood still. She gasped with amazement, she still loved him with the same fervor that she had back then. All her resentment from a lifetime’s waiting dissipated like a water droplet. Whenever the scene of their meeting had unfurled in her mind, there had been lot of questions about his departure, his reasons of never coming back, his justification for inflicting the heartache, the promises he didn’t keep, the love that he had said was enough for a lifetime, still he had gone away; strangely she couldn’t bring herself to utter a single word. The floodgates of memories had opened and flooded her with sweet memories of yester years. She wondered if they had time afterwards. There was so much she needed clarifications about yet all she could do at the moment was cry on his shoulder while he gently stroked her hair and kept repeating, “Forgive me if you can. I did want to come back for you but I was afraid of losing you after losing my parents. I knew I couldn’t take that kind of suffering a second time. I know it sounds like a foolish excuse but at that time it seemed logical. By the time I realized a life without you isn’t a life in itself, it was too late. Never had I ever forgotten you nor stopped loving you. You were always on my mind. I am truly sorry for all that you went through. You were, are and will always be my one true love.”
She replied after what seemed like a while, “Can you make me a promise? A promise that you will keep?”
“Anything my dear.”
“In our next life, please don’t let me go. I have waited enough for our next seven lives altogether. I don’t wish to spend the next life or any life, waiting, for my soulmate.”
In response he nodded and hugged her tighter. The sun bid goodbye to their hemisphere. The branches rustled in the wind. The birds flew back to their nests.
Rishila was back at her house with her son and his family. Watching her grandkids run around with their mother at their tail, made the moment feel surreal, but this time she knew it had happened and wasn’t a figment of her imagination. She was afraid to lose the treasured memory to Alzheimer’s. She had to embrace it tighter and keep it safe from losing. She felt a strange calm enveloping her. Her heart felt lighter. Her body felt heavier. Her wait had come to an end. Her faith had been restored. Her pining had reached its fruition. Her life was complete.
“Mom. Mom. Are you okay? Can you hear me? Are you alright? Open your eyes mother. Please open your eyes.” Her son was screaming in the background, shaking her body but she could hear no more.
*******************************************************
At the same instant, a doctor tried his best to resurrect an old man’s, a victim’s lifeless body, who was gravely injured in a road accident, but he failed. The machines beeped as the ECG showed a flatline. The doctor took off his mask, read the namecard hanging near his footrest – Kaustav – it said. He watched Kaustav’s life ebbing away.
Kaustav closed his eyes, there was a faint smile on his lips, his last wish had been granted, there were no regrets, he embraced death with peace.
Shuddhi Kriya** – funeral rites performed on the 12th day of someone’s demise to purify their souls as part of Hindu ritual
Dupatta** – A longer scarf usually women pair with an ethnic dress
NGO* – a nonprofit organization that operates independently of any government, typically one whose purpose is to address a social or political issue.
~~THE END~~
THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. NAMES, CHARACTERS, BUSINESSES, PLACES, EVENTS, LOCALES AND INCIDENTS ARE THE PRODUCTS OF THE AUTHOR’S IMAGINATION. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ACTUAL PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD, OR ACTUAL EVENTS IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
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Great writing! Keep on! The way you chose your words and the story you are telling is very touching!
I am impressed by your talent!
Wow – this was an exquisite read!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read 🙂
Very touching story! The heart knows what it wants. Beautifully written.
Thanks Ana for taking the time to read and leave a beautiful comment.
This was such a beautiful story and the ending definitely warmed my heart. Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you so much Britt for taking time to read the story. It means a lot to me.
A beautiful story, and It is written well. Was so easy to get drawn into it.
Thank you so much Candice for reading and leaving such a beautiful comment.
What a beautiful tale of love, so enjoyed reading it.
Thank you so much for reading and appreciating it. Your feedback means a lot to me 🙂
Beautiful storyline, you have quite a way with words and your descriptions are so intricate. ❤️
Thanks a lot! I can’t thank you enough for reading, commenting and also connecting with me. It means a lot to me when I get appreciations like these 🙂
Brilliant story.. short but sweet crisp to the point.. amazing choice of words and beautifully written…
Thanks a lot for that positive feedback. Appreciate your time and effort in reading the post 🙂
Unse ek pal mein kese bichadd jaaye hum….
Jinse milne mein shayad zamaane lagey…..
The perfect summary & the perfect Shaayari 🙂
Lived a lifetime through Rishila’s POV .. Loved it and keep writing
Thank you so much for reading! The support means a lot to me 🙂
Amazing write-up! Keep writing
Extremely happy to get your feedback 🙂